Chapter 6

“Okay, I’m going to get out of the tub, and turn the shower on, I’m going to finish washing your body and I’m going to wash your hair. But before I turn the shower on, I’m going to go strip the bed because we made a mess and when I’m done cleaning you, I want somewhere to lie you down when I’m done drying you, to hold you until you get your strength back. Do you want to stay in the water? Or do you need to...” he was looking over my shoulder with an odd expression like he was embarrassed. I dragged my eyes away from his perfect face and flushed beet red when I realised, he was asking if I needed to use the toilet. I hadn’t even thought about it. I shook my head immediately and realised I needed to say something because he was looking down and not at me.

“No, I can stay here, if that’s okay?” I mumbled. His head shot up to look at me.

“I should’ve asked sooner, I’m sorry.” He looked upset with himself, I turned a little more and took his face in my hands. I kissed him, a little unsure of myself, but I knew I needed to comfort him in any way I could. He wrapped me up in his arms, pulling me in tightly, as his tongue danced with mine. “I’m getting out now before I get carried away.” He growled as he pushed me towards the middle of the tub. He stepped out and I watched the water droplets make their way down his perfect body, as he walked over to the wall-mounted towel rack, he took one off and wrapped it around his waist.

Once he had disappeared through the doorway into the bedroom, I eased myself back, leaning on the tub as the hot water and whatever magical substance he had added soothed my sore muscles. It was my first opportunity to really look around the room without his touch distracting me. The doorway was on my immediate left, his and her sinks on my right with a black speckled ivory granite countertop, matching oval mirrors with overhead lighting was above them. The toilet was next to the sinks at the far end of the room, in the opposite corner was the cabinet he had gotten the washcloth out of, and there was a rail with hand towels in the middle. There were heated towel racks on each side of the door and behind me was a glass shower big enough for three people, that took up the entire wall, but I didn’t see a shower head anywhere or any taps or a thermostat. There was some sort of touchpad on the wall by the door that I deduced must control it and a shelf in the centre with several products on it. The floor and walls were a soft grey tile, the finishings were all chrome, and the towels were all charcoal grey, it was very minimalist and modern. I was still staring at the shower and feeling a little guilty about the amount of water we had already used when he came back to let the water out of the tub. I watched him walk over to the touchscreen and activated it. He pressed a few icons, and it appeared as though the entire ceiling of the shower started dripping water, slowly at first, but soon it was like a heavy rainfall inside. I stared at it open-mouthed, I had never seen anything like it, I shakily got up using the side of the tub, he ran over to help me, and placed a protective arm around my waist. He helped me across the room and held open the shower door with his free hand as he led me inside. I started giggling the moment I felt the water hit me, he pulled me into the centre, his eyes never left my face, the whole thing felt surreal, and I loved it. He eventually moved around me and started combing my hair ensuring all of it was wet, he continued this for a few minutes, and I allowed myself to melt under his touch until he led me out of the spray of the water. His hands suddenly stopped playing with my hair and I heard him open a bottle, before he began massaging my scalp with the shampoo, working his way to the ends as I leant back into his body lost in his gentle touch. When he was done, led me back under the water, his fingers combed my hair as he rinsed the suds out. He repeated the process with the conditioner before I felt a washcloth on my ankle, he worked his way up my leg, moving back and forth, inside to outside and back again, as he approached my bikini line, he did the other leg. Then he grabbed my hands and placed them on his shoulders as he cleaned between my thighs, I moaned, my head thrown back, my already unsteady legs, threatening to buckle at the knees. When he was satisfied, I was clean, he stood back up and finished rinsing me off. “So beautiful.” He murmured, as he stared at my face, I pried my eyes open, and he was watching me intently like he was trying to memorise my face. Fear thundered through me as I realised, we didn’t have long left, but I didn’t want it to end, not again. I didn’t want to leave wherever I was, I didn’t want to leave him. I kissed him with everything in me, with all of my heart and soul, I poured all of myself into the kiss, all of my love, he had said it, more than once but I never could, because falling in love with an imaginary lover was crazy, but I did, I loved him, even if I couldn’t say it. I loved him, and every time I left him it hurt more, every night I didn’t dream of him I woke up disappointed and every night I did dream of him I woke up devastated he wasn’t next to me. But this time I refuse to leave, I wanted to stay with him, I wanted to get dried, I wanted to get into bed and have him hold me all night. I wanted to wake up next to him in the morning, I wanted to have coffee with him and breakfast in bed, I want to have a relationship with him, not just a few hours of mind-blowing sex. I wanted him to be real. I knew it was coming but it devastated me all the same, it was sudden but agonisingly slow at the same time, everything just faded away to darkness, his touch, his kiss, the water dripping from the ceiling, until all I saw was my own eyelids. I didn’t want to open them and see my tiny room, in my tiny apartment and know he wasn’t there. But I soon realised I couldn’t smell him, or feel his warm skin heating my own. I hadn’t even opened my eyes when I felt my body shudder and the tears started. My pillow was quickly soaked until the material stuck to me uncomfortably. I realised it wasn’t the only part of my bed that was wet, my thighs were soaked, and my sheets clung to the wetness. I gingerly sat up, my whole body ached, like what had happened was real. I hesitantly got out of bed, tears still freely flowing down my face, and stripped off my nightgown first, then pulled the damp sheets from the bed. I angrily threw them all in my hamper, deciding they could wait to be washed, and pulled clean ones out of my closet. It took me twice as long as usual to make the bed and there were a few beads of sweat on my forehead when I was finished, my body was stiff and unwilling to co-operate. I was delaying going into my tiny bathroom, with my shower built for one. I knew I had to get cleaned up, I was a mess, but I couldn’t stop crying, and I was afraid that seeing the shower without him in it would make me hysterical. I threw on my robe before I tenderly shuffled into my kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I got some painkillers out of the little first aid kit my mother made for me when I moved in and checked they were still in date before I took two and turned the coffee machine on, I didn’t have a dining table, just a little breakfast bar, which I sat at while I waited for my ancient coffee machine to heat up. That’s when I saw them, the bruises, they weren’t big or dark, but I had one on each wrist, about two inches wide, just like the cuffs. Maybe I really was losing my mind, I thought to myself, either way, I needed professional help.

I pulled myself together long enough to shower and dress, I splurged on a cab to the lawyer’s office, I was too tender to walk to the subway. We talked over my contract, he saw no issues with it and even congratulated me on my new job as we shook hands. So, $2000 later, I at least felt comfortable enough to sign it, without the worry of it leaving me bankrupt or that I had sold my soul. I called Elaina to cancel our date, I told her I was going home to see my mother for the weekend before I started my new job, but the truth was I just wanted a hot bath and a quiet night by myself. I had decided to give myself the weekend, to eat ice cream, and wallow in my depression, almost like a real break-up. Then come Monday, I was starting over with, a new job, a new me, and maybe even a new relationship. I asked Elaina if I could take her out to dinner after my first day, she readily agreed, so I decided, I was moving on any way I could. I refused to fall in love with someone imaginary, even if he was wonderfully perfect, it was too pathetic. But when I saw the tub, I started crying again, the memory of him taking care of me flashed in my mind and it broke me. It was still early but I just didn’t want to deal with real life for a few hours, so I stripped my clothes off, crawled into bed, and let the heartache consume me as I curled up in a ball.